The ceiling was significantly less entertaining than usual. I lay awake in bed staring helplessly at the topography of the sprayed texture above me, my mind racing as if it were truly in competition with all of my other faculties. The mental energy kicking around in my skull was almost overwhelming, but not quite churning to the point of inspiring physical movement.
“I’ve been here too many times,” I thought.
I had recently picked up begleri and had argued with a close friend that it was the end-all for therapy, because it had been. So I decided to put my money where my mouth was. I grabbed my set off the nightstand and started to sling. That’s too much. Something more subtle. I weaved it in and out of my fingers. Still too much. I tied a simple over and under knot in the lead and slid it onto my middle finger like a ring, the two beads suspended just beneath my fingers and above my palm where I could gently rub my thumb against the grooves in the brass. Instant calm. It brought me down. My eyelids got heavy. The switch turned off. I was asleep.
The next morning on waking I was certain I’d be digging in the sheets for days to find the begleri but there it sat, comfortably nestled around my middle finger. And that’s where it stays, each night.
That was so helpful I was determined to find other ways to quiet my mind throughout the day and throughout different challenges I faced as a mental burner. As I discovered more subtle ways to manipulate the toy, I discovered new ways to help increase my focus, attention span, understanding, patience, ad infinitum. This was a way to move without moving and it didn’t take any effort. I could provide myself with a mental “out” while still paying attention to the task at hand.
The vehicle was small. Less than seven inches with two small beads on each end. I use drab colors so as not to attract attention. I keep my hands low. Like magic. It’s easier to pay attention to my children. It’s easier to pay attention in meetings. It’s easier to pay attention in church and prayer. It’s just easier.
It’s my therapy.
It’s my comfort.
And in a world that seems to be perpetually on the move, my begleri keeps me…still…